Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
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Bobby pin
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
rapatouille
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
#Caturday
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.