It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
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[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.