One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
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Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Friends that check up on you >
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?