Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
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I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.