So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
You Might Also Like
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Easy enough.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.