If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
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“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Botany good plants lately?
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.