[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
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[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa