Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
You Might Also Like
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Pretty much. 🤣
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect