I’M CRYINGGG
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How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*