I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
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My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Good boy 😂😂
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Just me?
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.