Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
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the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance