When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
You Might Also Like
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.