You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
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Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft