Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
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“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
The funk soul brother
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts