Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
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If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
December birthdays be like…
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Sell your car
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.