CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
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My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*