All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
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covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”