Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
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Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup