A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
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I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.