My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
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If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
it’s the silliest best thing
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.