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I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.