doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
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Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.