I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
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Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
No way!
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date