4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
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The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.