THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
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Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.