My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
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they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Lmfao
Where’s my employee discount too?
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”