I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
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He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
I ate everything, including the H.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.