You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
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I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.