ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
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Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more