There is wisdom there.
You Might Also Like
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.