Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
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SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
incredible text to wake up to
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
There is no “ea” in Tim.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago