[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
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My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
they split up moments later
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.