“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
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We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao