[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
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a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
United Steaks of America
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!