When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
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Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.