I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
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let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.