Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
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I miss getting my misinformation from less places
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar