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I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
gentlemen, hear me out
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?