…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
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This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
I only treason on days ending in y
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.