I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
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we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
“You’d better run, egg!”
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.