I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
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Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate