Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
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Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
pls suprot