Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
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My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Great game to play with friends
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy