Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
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90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION