[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
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I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.