Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
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[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine