Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
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4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Looking at you, Jesus.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*