Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
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Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.