DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
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I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.