Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
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astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?